


Zen And The Art Of Chopstick Mutilation

by Claire, Temaris



Series: Zen and the Art... [1]
Category: Stargate SG-1, The X-Files
Genre: AU, Crack, Crossover, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-10-03
Updated: 2001-10-03
Packaged: 2017-10-06 14:52:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/54868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Claire/pseuds/Claire, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Temaris/pseuds/Temaris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex Krycek attends the 23rd Annual Bad Guy (tm) Convention.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Zen And The Art Of Chopstick Mutilation

**Author's Note:**

> Don't mix slash and stir-fry. Always turn your mobile phone on. Never have drinks near the laptop. Oh, and never put the rice somewhere safe, you won't find it again. Ever.

Alex Krycek looked around the foyer of the hotel he'd just walked into. Streamers hung from the ceiling and a huge banner over the entrance proclaimed: "Welcome to the 23rd Annual Bad Guy (tm) Convention."

Heading over to the desk with the 'Registrations' sign on it, he looked down at the perky redhead sitting there.

"Hi! I'm Cherry," she smiled. "Can I take your name please?"

"Alex Krycek."

Turning to the box next to her, Cherry flicked through the myriad of envelops within muttering "Krycek, Krycek, Krycek." Finally, she exclaimed in triumph and held aloft a large brown envelope. "There you go, Mr. Krycek," she said, her smile never leaving her lips as she handed Alex the envelope. "Your name badge and convention booklet are within. There are also a couple of leaflets for other conventions we're running that you may find of interest. Have a nice weekend." And then she looked at the man behind Alex, waving him forward and launching into her introduction for what could have been, by the amount of people lurking around with name tags on, the hundredth time that day.

Walking away from the desk and opening the envelope, Alex tipped it up, a bright yellow badge fell out onto his palm bearing the moniker 'ALEX KRYCEK - New Attendee'. Pinning the badge to his shirt, he shook the other contents of the envelope out. A bright pink leaflet for 'WeaponsCon' was quickly discarded, as was the pale blue one for 'MutilationCon: 1001 Ways To Maim People With A Nail File In A Single Weekend'. However, the voucher for 25% off Melvin Koren's new book, 'How To Kill Friends And Influence People', and the bumper sticker proclaiming 'World Domination Or Bust' were stuffed into a pocket for later.

The final thing left in the envelope was the convention booklet Alex had originally wanted. Pulling it out and throwing the now empty envelope in the conveniently placed trash, he glanced down at it. Fake bullet holes spelled out '23rd Annual Bad Guy Convention' on the cover. Opening the booklet, he skimmed through the notes at the front detailing the Con committee and everyone they had to thank. Turning another page he came to the list of seminars, workshops and guest speakers going on over the weekend.

Various tracks of events were taking place over the course of the two days. Eyes quickly cataloguing what was going on, he decided to skip the newcomers' seminar 'So, You've Decided To Be Evil' (covering everything the modern day Bad Guy (tm) needs to know, including the latest updates in technology, day and night wear for our fashion conscious Bad Guy (tm), and helpful hints on how to take over the world), in favour of the 'Crafting In Leather And Chain Mail' practical workshop (showing how to make those essential items every Bad Guy (tm) needs).

His afternoon was already planned out - there was only one seminar was taking place, the weekend's most popular event by far, with most convention goers already signed up, there was the ever popular 'How To Get Your Good Guy (tm) Into Bed. Or Over A Desk. Or Against A Wall.'

Checking his watch, Alex headed over to the Montgomery Suite where the leather and chain mail workshop was already in full swing. Pushing open the door, he walked into the room.

"Alex!"

Looking around in the direction the voice was coming from, he smiled as he saw another man walking towards him. "Kronos!"

Kronos grinned as he clasped Alex's hand. "It's been a long time, little brother."

"Yeah, I couldn't make it last year, I was stuck in a Tunisian jail."

"Didn't you use the Official Get Out Of Jail card we were given a couple of years ago? Remember, they had them specially made up for the 21st anniversary." Kronos pulled a card wallet out of his jacket pocket and flicked it open. "I still have mine; I'm saving it for when I can't just kill the guards and made my escape."

"I tried, but they wouldn't accept it," Alex replied.

"But they have to, it's part of the Bad Guy (tm) Guild Rules."

Alex nodded. "Don't worry, I wrote to the Guild and they're going to sort it out. But enough of me, how are you? Is Methos here, or is he still playing at the Good Guy (tm)?"

"No, he's here." Kronos turned and pointed to the corner of the room where Methos was sewing a new pair of leather manacles. "He eventually decided what he wants. And he brought the brooding Scot with him," Kronos added.

"Duncan MacLeod's come over to our side?" Alex was surprised to say the least. MacLeod had always been held up as a paragon of justice, everything the Good Guy (tm) was supposed to be. Well, except for that little incident with the Dark Quickening, but people tried not to talk about that around him.

Kronos laughed. "Hell no, he brought him tied up in the boot of his car! Who do you think the manacles are for!"

Alex's laughter joined Kronos', but they were soon interrupted by a shout and a thud as a chain mail shirt hit the wall next to them. Looking over, Alex saw someone he didn't recognise cursing about sewing machines that just weren't equipped to handle chain mail. "Who's the behemoth?" he asked.

"Tyr Anasazi," Kronos answered. "It's only his second time here. He's got a bit too much Good Guy (tm) in him for my tastes, but he wears leather and chain mail so you can't complain." They both shared a leering grin. "Anyway, I'd better go before Methos comes over here and kills me. I'm supposed to be making the matching ball gag to go with his manacles."

Alex nodded. He knew what Methos could be like when he got upset. "I'll probably see you around."

"Definitely," promised Kronos before he headed back over to where Methos was working.

Glancing around the room, he spotted a free workstation and wandered over. Piles of various leathers were placed around the room and he picked up the softest piece he could find before sitting at the sewing machine. Shrugging off his leather jacket and placing it over the back of the chair, Alex threaded black thread into the machine and started work.

A little over 2 hours later, Alex picked up his perfectly proportioned cock-harness, rubbing his thumb over the blood red FM and AK embroidered onto the leather. He had planned on making a new holster for his ankle gun, but when he'd touched the soft leather, he couldn't resist. Sliding the harness into his pocket, he grinned as he thought about Mulder standing there in nothing but the little piece of leather.

Readjusting his jeans slightly as he walked out of the room, Alex checked his watch. There was another thirty minutes until the next seminar was due to start, but he knew he should head along to 'How To Get Your Good Guy (tm) Into Bed. Or Over A Desk. Or Against A Wall.', after all, he wanted a good seat.

Moving down the corridor, Alex was stopped by a warm hand on his arm and a smooth voice saying, "Excuse me?"

Alex turned around to see blue eyes looking at him through glasses. "Yeah?" he replied, feeling his jeans tighten as he looked at the other man. He quickly glanced down at the name badge and read 'DANIEL JACKSON'.

"Do you know where the Hudson Hall is, please?"

"Isn't it on the room map in the back of the con booklet, Daniel?" Alex smiled softly as he purred the name.

"Oh, I'm not from this convention, I just popped in from next door-" Daniel meeped as Alex's hand clamped over his mouth. Some of the people passing looked over at them, but Alex's glare quickly moved them along.

"Whatever you do, do _not_ say that you're from next door aloud when you're over here," whispered Alex into Daniel's ear. "You may as well strip naked and wear a sign saying 'Come and get me now'. Understand?" Alex shook his head slightly in frustration. He should have known it, it was too good to expect Daniel to be at the Convention. No, he was from "next door". Alex shuddered. 'The 23rd Annual Good Guy (tm) Convention' was being held in the adjoining hotel. Traditionally, each side held a truce at this time, but it still didn't stop the Bad Guys (tm) from trying to sabotage the Good Guys (tm) convention... well, they just wouldn't be Bad Guys (tm) if they didn't at least give it a go. And if Daniel declared to the world that he was from next door, well the words 'feeding frenzy' and 'sharks' came to Alex's mind.

Daniel's eyes widened but he nodded his head. "M'kay," he replied, the word muffled by Alex's hand.

Alex carefully moved his hand away from Daniel's mouth as he drew him over to a quiet corner of the foyer. "So, tell me, Daniel Jackson, just what are you doing in the enemy camp?"

Daniel pulled a crumpled up leaflet out of his pocket. "I'm not sure how, but this was in my convention pack."

Alex took the leaflet and read it. The yellow piece of paper had details of a special seminar taking place entitled, 'Tried It. Quite Liked It. Tell Me More'. "For those Good Guys (tm) who have tried being Evil and decided it's not all bad," continued Alex. He looked over at Daniel. "You've tried being Evil?"

Daniel huffed. "I'll have you know I blew up Russia once."

Alex raised an eyebrow.

"From orbit, with weapons platforms," expanded Daniel. "Ended up starting World War 3 and nearly ruling the planet." He paused for a second then added "and I had minions!"

"Minions?" Alex queried, frankly disbelieving.

Daniel pouted.

Alex quelled the urge to pat him on the head and say 'there, there'.

He cast a appraising eye over the alleged Bad Guy (tm), broad chest clothed in a tight black t-shirt, leather jacket (also black naturally) and sun-bleached blue jeans that fitted snugly around their owner. Alex damn near started drooling. "Well, you certainly look the part." He was proud that the sentence came out vaguely coherently.

"Huh?" Daniel blinked, utterly oblivious to Alex's comprehensive appraisal of his... assets.

"But we're going to have to train you out of that Good Guy (tm) virginal innocence though," he added, just about preventing himself from salivating at the thought...

Daniel just looked at him.

Alex sighed. "Come on," he motioned down the corridor, "Hudson Hall's this way. I'll take you there."

"That's kind of you, thank you."

"Think nothing of it," smiled Alex thinking kindness had nothing to do with it, he just didn't want anyone else to get hold of Daniel before he'd had chance to mark his claim. "So, what are you missing for this?"

"Oh, nothing I was interested in. The seminar this afternoon is 'How To Seduce Your Bad Guy (tm) Into Bed And Make Him Think It Was All His Idea'. Since I don't actually have a Bad guy (tm) to seduce, there was no point in going, really."

It was on the tip of Alex's tongue to ask "Do you want one?" but he refrained. "No Bad Guy (tm)? Such a pity."

"Not really," replied Daniel cheerfully. "I have Jack. Mind you, Jack _did_ go to the seminar. He said it was only to keep Fox company, but I have my doubts I'm sure I saw Harry Maybourne circling that particular workshop in Jack's con pack."

Alex frowned. Harry Maybourne? Alex knew the name well enough. Man had more of a reputation than Alex for dabbling in the 'gray' area between 'Good Guy' and 'Bad Guy' although no one dared to say anything aloud just in case Maybourne decided to use them to make a point. "So when does this seminar of yours finish?"

"Umm..." Daniel checked his con pack. "The rooms seems to be booked for an hour, however there does not seem to be a time limit to the actual seminar." He handed the leaflet to Alex. "Here, see."

Alex took the paper and examined it. Daniel seemed to be correct. Although there was a specified time and place for the seminar there did not seem to be any finishing time. Strange, he thought as they rounded the corner to Hudson Hall then immediately realised why. The con organisers, in their foresight, had realised that allowing Good Guys (tm) to openly congregate in a Bad Guys (tm) seminar would attract attention. Alex's previous thoughts of sharks and feeding frenzy seemed to have been proved correct.

Lurking in a corner next to the fire exit was Lee Bracket, having been dumped for the weekend by Jim and Blair who were obviously enjoying themselves next door (that was assuming they had made it out of bed that morning).

Ensuring he stayed out of the sunlight was Angelus, who had finally managed to negotiate custody rights over the body with Angel for the duration of the weekend. He'd told Alex by the bar the night before that his argument had been he had to keep his Bad Guy Skills (tm) sharp otherwise Angel really would turn into a 'big fluffy puppy dog with bad teeth". Which had reminded Angelus he still owed Spike a pint for coming up with that remark.

Warm, rancid breath ghosted over the back of Alex's neck and he turned immediately to come face to face with a mouthful of teeth. Slowly he raised his head and fixed his stare firmly at their owner. "Hello, Victor," he said carefully.

The mutant smiled revealing even more teeth. "Alex. Didn't think I'd see you here." He motioned to the others waiting.

"I'm..." Alex paused, unsure of what to say. Did he admit that he was with Daniel? If he did, it would be all round the convention in minutes that the infamous Alex Krycek had finally dumped Fox Mulder. Bad Guys (tm) being worse than fishwives when it came to gossip. The trouble was that the gossip would spread to next door by dinner that evening and there would be hell to pay next time he saw Fox. Alex decided that avoidance was his best defence. He smiled at Victor and let a mischievous glint enter his eyes. "So... how's Logan?" he asked innocently.

The two men held each other's gaze for a second as complete understanding passed between them. Victor broke it first to give Daniel a quick once over with his eyes. He obviously approved of what he saw as the taller man smirked. "Nice to see you again, Alex," he said and with a nod towards Daniel he wandered off to take a position next to the door of Hudson Hall.

"What was that all about?" Daniel asked, exposure to Alex's presence clearly beginning to wear through the Good Guy (tm) obliviousness.

"Just an old friend," Alex replied vaguely. He'd made his decision. There was no way he was leaving Daniel alone with all these unattached Bad Guys (tm) loitering around. There was just too much potential for Angst (tm). Steeling himself, Alex grabbed Daniel's arm and eyes firmly fixed towards his goal he propelled them both into Hudson Hall.

In the middle of the hall were two circles of chairs, many of which were already occupied. Alex didn't recognise any of the people sitting in the inner circle, assuming they must be the Good Guys (tm) who had come over for the seminar. Those in the outer circle, however, Alex knew only too well. It seemed that many of the other Bad Guys (tm) had realised, as Alex did, that allowing their Good Guys (tm) to wander unguarded, in all their clueless innocence, through the convention was nothing short of the most disastrous idea they could ever have and had decided to accompany the other men. They had all taken up the chairs in the outer circle, eyes flicking from their charges to the doors and back again.

Pointing out a couple of empty seats, Alex placed his hand in the small of Daniel's back and moved them forward.

The two of them had only just sat down when a tall, blond man walked into the room. "Hi, can I have everyone's attention, please?" He waited until the chatter had died down and they were all looking at him. "I'm James Horton and I'll be chairing this seminar. This is a closed seminar by invite only for those Good Guys (tm) who've had the opportunity to be a Bad Guy (tm) and discovered it wasn't all bad. It looks like everyone's here, so we should begin. Firstly, if we could go around the circle and introduce ourselves. Tell us who you are and how you had the chance to experience Badness." He pointed to the man next to him.

The man stood up. He was older than most of the people there, with only a band of hair around his head, but his posture indicated he was someone who was used to being listened to. "I'm Jean-Luc," he started in a crisp accent. "A while ago I had to go undercover as a smuggler. I found that the freedom it gave me was exhilarating and I'd like the opportunity to learn more."

"I've told you, Mon Capitan, I'll teach you anything you wish to know," stage whispered the man behind Jean-Luc, grinning.

"Well, Jean-Luc, learning more is why we're all here," Horton said, ignoring Q completely as he pointed to the young man who was next.

Clearing his throat, the brunet stood up. "Um, hi, I'm Xander. Apparently in an alternate universe I was a vampire master."

"Can master me anytime, pet," came the growl from behind him.

"Spike!" Xander turned around and glared at the blond. "Anyway," he continued, looking back at the group, "it seemed like I had the run of Sunnydale and everyone was terrified of me, and since it's better than being the donut boy I thought I'd like to give it a go." He grinned as he sat down.

The seat next to Xander was empty and Horton looked down at his clipboard. "Ah, yes," he commented. "That was going to be for Harry, but it turns out he and Draco lied about their ages when they completed the application forms for the conventions and got turned away. Never mind, though, boys will be boys and they can always attend in a few years time. As young as he is, though, Mr Malfoy seems to be one to watch for, he has the makings of a wonderful Bad Guy (tm). Anyway, where were we?," mumbled Horton, obviously trying to get himself back on track. "Ah, yes, Julian, I believe."

A caramel skinned young man stood and cleared his throat. "I'm Julian, and in an alternate universe I was a rebel pilot."

"That's not very Bad Guy(tm)-ish," pointed out one of the other Good Guys (tm).

"Yes, well, apparently I was a right bastard with it. And Garak is always saying I should learn to stand up for myself, and I thought what better way to do it that with a bit of badness?"

"Too true, Julian," encourage Horton. "And you wouldn't be here if we didn't think you had it in you."

"I'm in the room next door to Garak's," muttered Q. "From what I heard he had it in him all night."

"Yes, well," said Horton quickly, glaring at Garak as the Cardassian stood up and took a step towards Q with murder in his eyes.

"Garak, leave it," Julian murmured quietly.

"Anything you say, my fair doctor," replied Garak, sitting back down.

A few more introductions were made, and then it was Daniel's turn. Alex couldn't stop the leer from crossing his face as Daniel stood up. The other man had the finest ass he'd seen since Mulder stepped out of that pool wearing those red Speedos.

"Hi, I'm Daniel, and I blew up Moscow."

There was silence for a few moments before a voice asked. "This was an alternate universe, right?"

"Technically, no," answered Daniel. "Oh, and I nearly started World War 3."

"And he had minions," added Alex proudly. No one else had mentioned minions.

"Yes," nodded Daniel, "quite a few of them. All fawning and lowly."

"I had minions, too," muttered Xander, "didn't I have minions?" He appealed to Spike.

"Yes, you great pillock." Spike said affectionately, almost drowning out Alex's reply.

"You were a vampire, moron, you're _meant_ to have minions," Alex remarked snarkily.

"Oi! Who you calling a moron?" Spike stood up and started towards Alex menacingly.

"Bring it on, Vamp-boy," growled Alex, getting to his feet.

"He's chipped, you know," called out Q helpfully. "Can't hurt humans."

Spike turned quickly, advancing on Q. "Yeah, but I can still kick _your_ non-human arse, mate."

"Please! Gentlemen!" Horton waved his arms, trying to appeal for calm. "Dr Jackson, this seminar is for Good Guys (tm) who want to try to be Bad Guys (tm). From what you tell us, you appear to have mastered the art. Not many of us can hold the claim that we blew up Moscow."

Daniel blushed. "Well, it was kind of a dream. I didn't actually blow up Moscow."

"Dream? Hah!" muttered Spike, closing his mouth suddenly when Alex mimed staking him in his sleep.

"Ah," said Horton, nodding understandingly. "I see. It's nothing to be ashamed about, dreams have brought many a Good Guy (tm) over to the Dark Side. I really must introduce you to Methos. It wasn't actually _his_ dream, mind, but still." Horton glanced down at his clipboard again. "And now we have the introductions over with, let's try some role-play."

A collected groan came from the outer circle.

Horton ignored them. "Now, Gentlemen," he said addressing the Good Guys (tm) "I want you to recollect a moment when your Bad Guy (tm) was being particularly naughty and I want you to imagine yourself in his shoes. Your partners will be playing your roles."

Eight pairs of Bad Guy (tm) eyes rolled skyward in resignation.

"If you would like to move to your designated areas," Horton continued, indicating slips of paper spaced evenly throughout the room. "We will continue the role-play until each Good Guy (tm) has had the chance to work through the full range of emotions associated with the experience although I would request that all acting be terminated before it gets too..."

"Naked?" Spike added helpfully.

"Physical." Horton finished firmly, glaring at Spike who just grinned.

"Umm..." Daniel glanced at the piece of paper stuck to the wall that was clearly marked Daniel/partner. He turned to Alex and blushed. "I just realise I haven't thanked you for coming with me to this seminar seeing how I don't know you at all."

Alex shrugged. "No problem." He suddenly realised what Daniel was alluding to. "We don't have any shared moments to role-play." Alex looked around the room. Somehow the convention organisers had managed to get a room that could quickly be divided into small _almost_ sound-proofed areas whilst still allowing participants to see each other. From what Alex could surmise all the other Good Guys (tm) had decided to choose moments where there had been physical confrontation between themselves and their counterparts. Julian had Garak pushed up against a wall and seemed to be yelling something about an wire in his brain. Jean-Luc seemed to be taken a more Shakespearian approach to his acting and was striding around like Iago from Othello. Spike and Xander had given up on the role-play completely unless Spike's Bad Guy (tm) approach included rolling around on the floor trying to suck his opponent's tonsils out.

"Well... why don't you pretend I'm someone else?" Alex suggested.

Daniel looks round the room trying for inspiration. His eyes fall on to Q. "Colonel Simmons." He announced triumphantly.

Alex's eyes had followed Daniel to the omnipotent being, "Who?" he asked, confused.

"Never mind." Daniel shook his head in resignation. "Can you do sneaky, back-stabbing, conspiracy driven, trying to stop the world being taken over by aliens government agent?"

Alex considered this for a moment. "Probably."

The role-play turned in to something of a success to Alex's surprise. Daniel did a nice turn in cold calculation and there was a definite psychotic glint to his eye when he faced Alex down across the table, trying to get him to admit he was collaborating with the enemy. It was taking everything bit of self control that Alex possessed not to reach across the table, grabbed Daniel by the collar of his shirt and pin him to the ground with a searing kiss. Course he couldn't do that... he was playing the Good Guy (tm). This sucks! Alex decided.

And he was the only one in room that had mastered this kind of self-control.

At the end of the hour, Horton thanked them for attending. They were the only two still dressed although Alex was now making definite plans to rectify this immediately. He had a feeling that the next workshop on the Bad Guys (tm) con schedule would assist him. If he could only convince Daniel to stay.

He was trying to figure out a way to get Daniel to stay at the Bad Guy (tm) convention instead of going back next door when the other man suddenly stopped and let out a pained whisper of "Jack?"

Looking over to where Daniel was staring he saw Murdoc with his arm around his partner. He was about to say "that's only MacGyver," when a thought crossed his mind. If this Jack looked like MacGyver then Alex could use it to his advantage. "That's Jack?" he said, rather pleased at the amount of innocence in his voice.

"What's he doing?" Daniel's lip quivered as the man he thought was his Colonel leaned over and kissed Murdoc slowly. "Who's he with?"

"That's Murdoc," answered Alex helpfully. "He's an assassin."

"I bet Jack met him while working Special Ops."

Alex could hear the anger in Daniel's voice. 'Almost got him,' he thought. "Hmm," he nodded. "I'm pretty sure Murdoc worked Special Ops way back when." Of course, he actually had no idea what Murdoc had ever done, but if it helped him keep Daniel there, he'd tell him the other man dressed as a Care Bear in his spare time. Of course, knowing Murdoc, that was actually distinctly possible.

"Why, that snake," fumed Daniel. "And to think I had to sneak out to come here. I was worried about what he'd think, and here he is... canoodling with some two-bit assassin. And I bet Murdoc doesn't have minions!" he exclaimed indignantly. "Well, there's no way I'm going back next door now."

Alex almost cheered. It had been easier than he thought it would be. All he'd had to do was plant a couple of ideas and Daniel had run with it. "You know, you could always stay here," he commented lightly. "I'm sure you'll enjoy the next seminar."

"What is it?"

"Oh, just a little something I think you'll enjoy." Alex smirked. He had no plans to tell Daniel that the seminar was 'How To Get your Good Guy To Seduce You And Have Him Think It Was All His Idea.' After all, that was the point of the seminar, wasn't it?

"Tell me," nagged Daniel.

Alex mind started spinning trying to figure out what to tell the other man. "Um, it's 'So You Want To Be A Bad Guy (tm)? It's All In The Accessories.'

"But, I don't have any accessories," pointed out Daniel.

"They'll supply them," Alex told him, hoping Daniel wouldn't ask just _what_ kind of accessories were supplied until they were there. Leading Daniel down the corridor, Alex stopped in front of the registration desk. "I'm here to pick up the pack for seminar number 7," he told Cherry.

Cherry smiled at him, still perky after several hours of dealing with Bad Guys (tm). Alex wondered if she had a supply of coffee running straight into her veins.

"Certainly, Mr. Krycek," she bounced. Reaching down into a box under the desk, she pulled out a small brown envelope and handed it to him. "And do have fun!"

"Oh, I intend to," smirked Alex, dragging Daniel off.

"Where are we going?" Daniel asked bewildered as they headed away from the area of the seminar halls, up the elevator two floors and into the maze of bedrooms.

Alex opened the small envelope and pulled out a hotel key and a room number. "Oh this seminar isn't being held in the main halls." He explained. "In fact it has to be held up here due to it being so over-subscribed."

"Accessorising is _that_ popular?" Daniel asked, surprised. He hadn't thought about it before. He always wore his BDU's at work and the only accessorising he could do with that was the ever-fashionable sidearm and occasionally a P-90. Although he had noticed Jack reacted differently to the bandanna rather than the boonie so maybe there was something in it.

Daniel followed Alex quite happily which Alex was incredibly relieved about. He had been somewhat concerned that he wouldn't be able to attend this seminar due to the last-minute decision of Walter Skinner deciding to accompany Fox to next door's convention and Alex had been very proud of the fact he had received a place. He had attended the beginner level in previous years 'How to seduce your Good Guy' had been heavily subscribed then and by all accounts this advanced level 'How to get your Good Guy (tm) to seduce you' was so popular the organisers had actually had to select which attendees were allowed to enter on the basis of the likelihood they could actually _manage_ complete the course.

"Here we are." Alex said hastily as the sound of indrawn breath indicated that Daniel was about to start asking questions again. He unlocked the door and entered the darkened bedroom, checking immediately for unwelcome intruders lurking in dark corridors. He might have just unlocked the door, and this might be an extremely well run convention but Bad Guys (tm) would be Bad Guys (tm) and he had seen the looks Daniel had been getting as they walked through the corridors. After this was all over Alex now had a list of people he was going to have to have 'A Quiet Word' (tm) with.

He waited for Daniel to enter but the other man seemed reluctant, almost nervous. "Are you coming in?" Alex asked patiently.

"Are you sure the seminar is here?" Daniel asked peering into the gloom of the darkened room. "It looks like we're the only ones here."

We damn well better be! Alex thought. "I have the key, don't I?" he replied reasonably.

"I suppose." Daniel still didn't look convinced.

"Daniel... you want to be a Bad guy (tm), don't you?" Alex asked in a tone of voice one would have used to a small child.

Daniel nodded.

"Well sometimes Bad Guys (tm) go into darkened bedrooms when they probably shouldn't. It's part of the job description."

Daniel considered this. "Okay." He replied and walked passed Alex into the room

Alex took a deep sigh of relief and closed the door. He paused as a thought crossed his mind, then locked it and pocketed the key. Now the seminar could begin.

Glancing around the room, he noticed a closed box on the floor. Quickly walking over to it, he kicked it under the bed before Daniel and a chance to notice it and ask what was inside. He had plans to use each and every item in there, but didn't want Daniel to get spooked and run off. Continuing his perusal of the room he grinned as he saw the large magnum of Champagne resting in the filled ice bucket and two fluted glasses next to it. Sitting next to the glasses was a bowl of full, ripe strawberries with smaller bowls of whipped cream and chocolate sauce. His immediate reaction had been disappointment when he saw the size of the bowls, but then he remembered that the ReddiWhip cream would be in the fridge.

"Um, strawberries?" queried Daniel.

"Yes," Alex replied, as if it were the most natural thing in the world. After all, he was the Bad Guy (tm) here, if he said strawberries were a required accessory, then who was Daniel to question him?

"Oh, okay, then."

Picking up a strawberry, Alex held it out. "Would you like one?" he asked.

Daniel nodded, reaching out.

As the other man took the strawberry from Alex's fingers, he softly brushed his thumb over Daniel's wrist.

Daniel looked down quickly, as if he couldn't decided whether it was an accident or not.

Alex just smiled at him. Picking a second strawberry, he brought it up to his mouth and made sure Daniel was looking at him as he licked around it before sucking it between his lips.

Daniel gulped and bit his strawberry in half.

Feeling some of the juice dribbling down his chin, Alex swept up the liquid with a fingertip, gently lapping it off and sucking at his finger. Come on, he thought, get the hint already.

Grabbing another strawberry he bit into it, feeling more juice run down his chin. He was about to repeat the finger sucking when a hand reached out and stopped him from getting the juice off his chin.

Daniel's finger lightly touched his face as he wiped the strawberry juice off and brought it to his lips, sucking it clean.

Houston, we are go for launch! Alex thought gleefully.

Reaching behind Alex, Daniel picked another berry up. Thought about it for a second and then dipped the end in the whipped cream. He looked at the cream covered fruit for a moment and then closed the distance between them and swept it over Alex's lips. "Don't," he murmured as Alex's tongue came out automatically to wipe off the cream. Leaning forward, Daniel looked into Alex's eyes as his tongue came out and took kitten-licks at Alex's tongue, carefully removing every bit of cream from the other man's mouth. When he'd finished, he popped the strawberry into his mouth and pressed their lips together. When Alex's lips opened, he moved the berry, crushing it between their tongues.

Alex moaned softly as the juice ran through his mouth. Damn, the boy had potential, he thought as he felt hands creep under his jacket and start to push it off.

Daniel's fingers danced over Alex's shirt, pulling gently at the leather jacket. "Want this off," he murmured.

"You got it," replied Alex, shrugging out of the garment and dropping it to the floor.

"This too," Daniel insisted, tugging Alex's t-shirt out of his jeans and pulling it over his head. As Alex stood there half naked, Daniel's eyes were drawn to his left arm. "What happened?" he asked, running his fingers over the scar tissue on Alex's upper arm.

"Some peasants tried to cut my arm off," Alex replied matter-of-factly.

"Why?" Daniel was aghast.

Alex shrugged. "They thought they were helping me. But let's not think about that now, we have better things to do."

Daniel flushed slightly. "Yeah."

Alex reached out and hooked his fingers into Daniel's jeans, pulling the other man closer to him. "What do you want?"

"You. Out of these clothes," Daniel answered. "Me. Also out of these clothes. On top of you."

By mutual unspoken agreement, they pulled apart and quickly divested themselves of clothing.

"You're perfect," breathed Daniel, eyes raking over Alex's body.

You're not so bad yourself, thought Alex, although he kept it to himself. Every inch of him was screaming to take hold of Daniel, throw him on the bed and screw his brains out, but he kept telling himself he couldn't. The point on the course was that the Bad Guy (tm) _wasn't_ allowed to take control. Every step had to be instigated by the Good Guy (tm), and it was bloody difficult to keep reminding himself of that. Alex sighed, he guessed this was why it was the advanced course.

"What do you want me to do?" Daniel breathed.

"Anything you want," replied Alex, his mind just yelling, But do it quickly!

Leading Alex over to the bed and pushing him down, Daniel frowned as his foot hit something. Bending down, he pulled out the box Alex had kicked under there before.

All Alex heard was the sound of the box being opened and then Daniel's voice exclaimed "Oh my!"

Alex's heart stopped.

"So, I guess these are the accessories you were talking about?" Daniel peered up over the edge of the bed waving something made of silver and leather.

"Um, yes." Please don't run away. Please don't run away.

A grin crossed Daniel face. "Well, what are we waiting for, then. If we're planning on getting through this box we'd better start now." And then he pounced.

Houston, we have lift-off!

***

Alex woke up, decidedly sore, decidedly sticky and with a decidedly huge grin. He and Daniel had steadily worked their way through the box of accessories, the strawberries, the magnum of champagne, the bowl of chocolate sauce, the bowl of whipped cream and three and a half cans of ReddiWhip until they had collapsed sometime during the late morning. Daniel was still next to him, sprawled out over the bed. Alex reached over and gently started pulling strawberry seeds out of Daniel's hair and off his body. The strawberry juice needed a little more work and had to be carefully licked off. He'd just managed to clean Daniel's upper torso when he felt fingers pulling at his hair. He let himself be guided up Daniel's body until they were face to face. "Good morning," he smiled.

"_Very_ good morning," admitted Daniel before kissing Alex thoroughly. "I think I need a shower."

"You and me both," replied Alex.

"What a good idea." Daniel's eyes twinkled as he pushed himself off the bed and pulled Alex into the bathroom.

Two hours later...

Daniel stared down at the pile of clothes on the floor. Buttons were scattered over the floor from his jeans and most of the material was covered in a combination of chocolate sauce, cream and strawberry juice. Not to mention other fluids... "I can't wear these!"

"Wear mine."

"But yours are just as bad. Worse, even, yours took the brunt of the 'does chocolate sauce work as lubricant' experiment. And anyway, what will you wear?" asked Daniel, and then stopped and leered at Alex. "Will you be naked?"

"No, my clothes were delivered here last night."

"Damn," muttered Daniel.

Alex started digging through the suitcase, looking for something to wear. On top of his clothes was a gold certificate. "Looks like we passed the course," Alex said, holding up the piece of paper.

Daniel took the paper and then looked at Alex. "Accessories, huh?"

Alex shrugged. "What can I say? I'm a Bad Guy (tm)."

"And has my Bad Guy (tm) found me something to wear yet?"

Alex turned and held up something very black and very small. "Oh, I think I have an idea."

***

Jack O'Neill stormed into the hotel foyer. He'd been looking for Daniel all over the hotel next door, only to be told by Jim Ellison that he'd seen him sneaking into the Bad Guys (tm) convention yesterday. Yesterday! A whole day in which his innocent Daniel could have been subjected to who knows what by who knows who and with what knows what! Marching over to the registration desk, he looked down at the redhead sitting there.

"Major O'Neill! We haven't seen you in a while! How are you?" Cherry enthused.

"It's Colonel now," Jack snapped. "And I'm from next door."

"Oh." Cherry's smile drooped for a moment. "I hate losing one to the other side. But now you're here, what can I do for you? You've missed most of the talks, but we still have the Assassins Closed Meeting going on, and 'Antiheroes, What To Do If You're Too Good For A Bad Guy (tm) And Too Bad For A Good Guy (tm)' starts in 20 minutes."

Jack stopped to think. That Antiheroes one sounded quite interesting. No! He was here to find Daniel. He had a mission, dammit. Fixing his fiercest glare onto his face he scowled at Cherry, who simply grinned at him. "I'm looking for Daniel Jackson."

"We don't have a Daniel Jackson registered with the convention."

"I know that! He's meant to be next door, but was seen sneaking in here yesterday afternoon."

"Yesterday afternoon? Oh! Yesterday afternoon! Well, I'm afraid I can't give out convention information."

"Never mind," snapped O'Neill, "I'll find him myself." Jack turned away muttering to himself, "now, if I were a Daniel, where would I be?" And then he stopped suddenly. "What the _hell_?!?!"

Walking towards him was his errant archaeologist, dressed, head to toe, in very tight leather. _Very Tight Black Leather_. His _innocent_ archaeologist was striding through the hotel lobby as though he owned the place, clad in leather jeans that hugged firm muscular legs, a black t-shirt which emphasised a broad chest that no sweet archaeologist should be allowed to own unless he was giving custody rights to his Colonel. The whole ensemble was topped off by a black leather jacket which stopped just at the waist and emphasised _everything!_

Jack felt his jaw drop and he must have drooled. He heard a snigger from the so far unnoticed man walking next to Daniel. Another man Jack recognised instantly. "Krycek," he growled. "I might have frickin' well known."

Krycek grinned. "Hi, Jack. How's life treating you?"

"It would be treating me better if you didn't have your hand in the back pocket of my frickin' archaeologist!"

Krycek smirked, but withdrew his hand from Daniel's back pocket, holding them up placatingly.

Jack was just about to snap out that Krycek wouldn't know how to placate someone if placation came up and bit him in the ass when a voice yelled across the foyer.

"KRYCEK!"

Turning around, Jack saw Fox Mulder striding across the foyer, heading directly to them.

"Where the fuck have you been?" Mulder demanded when he reached them.

"Around," Krycek replied, his whole body screaming tension. "How's Skinner?"

"How the hell would I know how Skinner is? He left yesterday. Said something about having better things to do than attend a convention," Mulder answered.

"Look, never mind about Skinner, what I want to know is what has this reprobate been doing to my archaeologist?"

"Your archaeologist?" said Daniel. "_Your_ archaeologist?!! I'll have you know Jonathon Francis O'Neill, that I am no one's archaeologist but my own!"

Alex knew that just round the corner out of sight was a gathering of Bad Guys (tm) who were hanging on every word and a Mexican wave had started as Daniel stood up for himself.

"I only meant-" Jack backed down hastily, acutely conscious of the (silently) cheering masses just around the corner. He knew this scene. Hell, he'd co-chaired entire sessions on This Scene. The 'How to rescue your Cute but Oblivious Good Guy from the clutches of the Evil yet smoulderingly Sexy Bad Guy.'(tm) He grinned. If he remembered it rightly, that one segued straight into the 'Seducing your Intelligent, yet beautiful, but independent in their own right scientist companion'(tm) - the Guild of Sidekicks, Bimbos and Beautiful Assistants had recently renamed themselves the Institute of Assistologists, and protested any attempt to use the former terms sidekick or bimbo (and derivations thereof). As their terms had included a sex strike it had been only proposal to ever be simultaneously approved in the Good _and_ Bad Guys' Guilds (tm) (tm). The strike had lasted fifteen minutes. The APA (Association of Psychologists of America) had run a three week Caribbean cruise on the strength of the fees they got from that one.

"Yes?" Daniel asked again, insistently.

"I'm sorry, Daniel, Dr. Jackson," he cleared his throat, and stepped into Daniel's personal space, resting a gentle hand on his shoulder, "I was worried about you, Danny. I was just startled... I didn't expect to see you with _him_," he slanted a deeply unhappy look at Alex. Those seminars had really paid off. "What happened to you? Are you all right?"

Alex stared incredulously at the old guy. What the fuck did he think he was playing at? Couldn't he see he'd lost already? He snuck a look down the archaeologist's leather-defined musculature, then up at the sharp boned face... which was melting into bemused apology.

"Sorry, Jack, I, um was invited," he slid a hand, against all reasonable expectation, into his leather pants, which strained dangerously across his crotch, and produced a stained and battered leaflet. "I was just curious," he added defensively, as Jack smoothed out the crumpled, sticky, worryingly _chocolatey_ flyer.

"'Tried It. Quite Liked It. Tell Me More'," he read out incredulously.

Daniel scowled and jerked his shoulder away from Jack's caressing hand. "Anyway, I saw _you_ here. Why shouldn't I be here? Why shouldn't I see my own friends? I've got friends!" He hesitated. "That didn't come out the way I meant it. But I saw you!! You were getting hot and heavy with that Murdoc! I saw you!"

"Danny..." Jack's voice lowered silkily, "Are you - jealous?"

"No!" Daniel turned away, incidentally moving closer to Alex.

"Do you want to ditch this old queen?" Alex murmured audibly.

"Hey! That's _Colonel_ Old Queen, thank you very much!" Jack ripped back smartly, smothering a tiny smirk as Daniel snorted with laughter. Kid might have balls, but _he_ had experience. And wasn't Danny an archaeologist? He could keep him excavating for years...

"Alex, thanks but, I-uh..." Daniel flickered a canny glance under his lashes at O'Neill, "I better go."

"Yes!" Jack shouted, choking it back swiftly, and dropping his arms to his sides. "I mean-"

Daniel scowled again, "Murdoc?"

Jack dropped a friendly arm around Daniel's shoulders. "Did I ever tell you about my Long Lost, Separated At Birth And Raised In Different Time Zones Twin Brother(tm)?"

"Really?"

Alex groaned, then straightened his face as Daniel turned that darkly yummy scowl on him. "Yes, okay, I knew it wasn't O'Neill, what did you expect?" He spread his arms in a shrug, "I'm a Bad Guy (tm). I'm _supposed_ to lie to you."

Daniel sighed, "But you were _different_."

"Danny-" Jack said, in warning tones, hastily modulating to, "We'll miss our ride home," brightly.

"Oh well," Daniel sighed again, flicked an unreadable glance at Alex, at the crowd of Bad Guys (tm) listening avidly from around the corner, and at Jack. "Jack, just _kiss_ me already?"

Jack's arms wound tightly around him, sliding in under the leather jacket to discover mesh covered skin, and the binding straps of firmly buckled leather harness. Jack moaned into Daniel's mouth, then he started, nearly swallowing Daniel's tongue as cool hands slid under his shirts and ran over his back, scratching and pinching lightly.

In one swift move Jack pulled away, and hoisted Daniel to his shoulder in a fireman's lift to cat calls and applause from the assembled Bad Guys (tm).

"Jack! Put me down!"

"Nope."

"Jack... Maybourne?"

"Never loved him - he was a substitute for _you_, you over-brained moron."

"You love me?"

"Ya know, that's why we get on, Danny, I don't have to verbalise, you just go right ahead and put words in my mouth."

"So you don't love me?" Alex watched dispiritedly as Danny slapped Jack's ass, hard.

"Ow! I didn't say that!"

They kept moving away, and in the distance he could still hear them arguing, Jack dabbing kisses on the nearest available part of his partner's body. His ass.

Alex scowled, then blinked. Had Daniel really met his eyes and winked? A piece of paper fluttered to the ground, and he hurried over.

It was a flyer for a seminar, held at the Institute of Assistologists Thirty Second Annual Conference, just the previous week by the dates. He read it, then stared speculatively after the 'innocent' Dr. Jackson.

"'Good guy, bad guy - how to have your cake _and_ eat it,' chaired by renowned scholar and archaeologist, Daniel Jackson." He shook his head slowly. And he thought _he'd_ been good...


End file.
